I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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