Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
