Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
