judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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