U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
