I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
