I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
