Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
