Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
