Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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