She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
