Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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