He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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