What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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