we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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