C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
