I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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