His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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