so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
