Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
