my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
