my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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