so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
