if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
