i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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