you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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