I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
