You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
