No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Randomize
