All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
