When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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