It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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