I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
