someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
