how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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