i jhust puked up my retainher.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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