I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize