battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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