so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
