One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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