He asked to "fluff my boner.."
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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