he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I have aggressive nipples.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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