I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize