did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
