He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
