Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
