dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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