Apparently you make a good broom.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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