Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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