so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
