I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
