i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
