i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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