I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
