I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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