please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
